On Ageless Wisdom


30 Things I Didn’t Really Know For Sure Until I Was 30

My wife turned 30 last week. I turned last April. In pondering our ages, I wonder how much truth there is to the theory of ‘older and wiser’. The following are some truths I know to be self-evident now that I’m 30.

  •  Don’t cook bacon naked.
  • All politicians tend to be crooked and egotistical. There are only varying degrees of obviousness.
  • There is never a perfect time to have a baby. You will never be completely ready. On the other hand, if you’re not ready to jump into parenthood with both feet, do the world a favor: DON’T BREED.
  • Your picture is on God’s fridge. Mine is on the devil’s dartboard.

  •  Regularity is like air and sex. They’re all no big deal until they’re gone.
  •  Those who believe that childhood is just great preparation for life are often surprised to learn that childhood is indeed one of the most imporant parts of life.
  • Never (and just allow me to repeat this: NEVER) allow yourself to agree with any of the following people: telemarketers, salesmen, televangelists, avid Bush supporters or anyone wearing a fanny pack.
  • You know you’ve matured a bit when you feel too old to watch VH1.
  • Feet, though ugly and heinous, come in very handy. They will walk you right out of some very ugly situations.
  • When one door closes, bust open a window.
  • There will always be someone willing and able to put you down, regardless of anything you try to do to avoid it. Continue to remind yourself that those folks are about as relevant as a Michael Jackson parenting book.
  • Behaving with ignorance will earn you only one type of friend: the common idiot.
  • You never really appreciate how skinny you once were until you’re not anymore.
  • Before you fall in love with someone, make sure you monitor how they treat any of the following: babies, the elderly, waitresses and animals.
  • There’s nothing more American or un-American as the way we elect our president.
  • Historically speaking, when people lie, they tend to make a habit of it. Keep a mental inventory.
  • Stand up proud. Unless you’re on a bus. In that case, sit down and shut up.
  • Gossips make for the most brutal enemies. Unfortunately, they make worse friends.
  • Personal hygiene can make or break you. Find the happy medium between slobbish and snobbish.
  • Exercise love. Love exercise.
  • Take time to smell the roses. Unless you’re late.
  • Immigration is a touchy subject. Discuss only in carefully-chosen company.
  • You can’t trust a dog to guard your food.
  • I believe that the way a person pays a babysitter, in combination with their gross monthly income and what they drive, says a great deal about them. I may be wrong, but I know I’m right.
  • There are two kinds of dads out there: the kind that is involved and readily available to serve as a giving, caring adult guide…and the other kind. I feel sorry for those who fall into the ‘other kind’ bracket.
  • Drunk words are sober thoughts. That means if you insult a member of my family at my 30th birthday party after a few too many drinks, you can pretty much kiss my ass. Yeah, you.
  • Anyone who uses God’s will to explain war is just plain wrong.
  • If you actually care about what a celebrity is doing on any given day, you need to reassess your priorities. Ahem…CNN…you may want to make a note of that…
  • Choose your life mate carefully. I did, but I had to wait a while.
  • I have an unusually high number of laugh lines for a 30-year-old man. What a blessing.

1 Comment

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One response to “On Ageless Wisdom

  1. Julie

    Great Advice, I will try to take it and use this advice since I have a few years till I am 30!!!!

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