An Open Letter To Hillary And Barack
Listen up you two, because I’m not saying it again.
You’re both walking a very fine line with those of us who vividly remember the 2000 presidential election as one of the darkest, most undemocratic days on record. Hillary, try if you may to remember what it felt like when your hubby’s veep lost out on an election because the Supreme Court ruled in favor of George W. Bush.
You may recall Al Gore won the popular vote, albeit by a shred, but Dipstick Magee won the most according to the Electoral College, (my least favorite college of all time). It all came down to Florida, where Bush’s brother was governor, and The Supremes handed Florida over to Dinglenuts before all the votes were even counted.
Think back to what it felt like to watch more than half the country have their votes voided by a group of partisan hacks.
Sucked, didn’t it?
Flash forward to present day. This presidential primary battle ultimately decides which of you will represent the party of fairness, equality and democracy in November. One of you will have the honor of defeating that lousy McCain guy (aka Bush Light) in the fall.
Trust me, I understand that both of you have a lot riding on this. That fact is lost on no one.
Hillary, you’ve been after this particular crown since you crowned in your mother’s womb–or at least ever since Ma and Pa Rodham dressed you up in your very first pantsuit. We’ve all heard your story: you attended Wellesley College and was a member of the Young Republicans, Dorothy Hamill Haircut Chapter. Later, you crossed on over from the dark side to become a Dem. It’s a cool story.
You’ve been mastering political doublespeak since ‘Nam, for the love of crikey. Even during your own husband’s presidency, when all the talk was about cigars, Monica, the Starr Report, impeachment, Vince Foster, Gennifer Flowers and every other scandal du jour, you could always be counted on to give the most perfect politically-responsible responses ever.
In other words, you’ve been training for this campaign since the dawn of time. Every single last word that’s left your mouth in the past 30 years has been in direct correlation to this very campaign. You’ve done your training. And though I’m pretty pro-Obama (or Probama in lazy-American lingo), you make a VERY strong case for yourself.
You’re a brilliant, incredible, tenacious soul who really should have been a shoo-in for the nom. Dang it, Hillary, I love you for every last thing you stand for, but you’re a tad short on ‘sparkle’.
Let me explain.
Simply put, here in the good ol’ US of A, we’re easily distracted by and attracted to shiny things and big ideas.
And that’s how we’ve arrived at you, Mr. Obama. You are the very definition of phenomenon and you certainly have that ‘sparkle’.
Absolutely no qualifications, absolutely no policies, but you make an amazing case for the Obama brand. You’re the handsome black man who wants to change America, starting with Washington first. And after eons of listening to bi-partisan hacks cut each other down politically, it’s refreshing to hear your take on future America: a country where both sides work together WITH their president to help the American people.
You want to be THAT president. No one ever wants to be that president, so forgive us for our amazement with your idea.
You are just the shiny thing this
election country needs right now. You alone are getting young people interested in politics again. Instead of worrying about what Britney is smoking, snorting, shooting or popping, they’re taking an interest in the people who can actually make policy decisions that affect everyday Americans like me. There are millions of young people registering to vote because of you, the amazing black man, and it bodes well for this nation and the party itself.
Obama, your message is brilliant. Hillary, your ideas could help the common man.
However, the two of you are going to ruin this election for the rest of us if you’re not careful. I, for one, cringe at the thought of a repeat of either 2000 or 2004, so pay close attention here.
Hillary, by acting like a ragamuffin control freak fembot with wonderful plans for our country and sadistic plans for this primary, you are sinking into a scary territory. You and Bill both have succeeded in bringing race into this race, trying to sleaze up Obama’s image when your own is still bearing the tarnish from the past 16 years, and you seem to be fine with pretending it’s okay that another bunch of nimwits (the superdelegates) get to decide who gets OUR nomination.
In other words, you’re starting to creep people out.
And Obama, you’re not so innocent yourself. Stop acting like you know you’re a phenomenon, and please stop acting like Florida and Michigan can’t possibly count. Convince your party leaders to hold another primary in both states so that these people get to count. Then go down and campaign there like you did everywhere else. Hell, take Oprah with you.
But don’t pretend their votes don’t matter. Because pretending as though their votes don’t matter is like saying my vote doesn’t matter. And that torques me.
We (me and every other voter) got you both where you are now and without us, you’re both sunk in November–when hopefully you’ll be running on the same ticket anyway. Without all those people who joined our party to vote for either of you, the Electoral College will split in an unfortunate way that favors Crazy McTortureLover in November.
So knock it off you two. You’re representing the people. I truly believe you both want to help the American people. But you’re not going to get there as kamikazes.
Now, I’m going to let you go here soon, but I have some requests before I’m done.
Number one, you both need to continue to be awesome. Talk about the issues. Talk about how you want us all to have affordable health care, how you want to stimulate our economy by getting us the hell out of Iraq (they’re one in the same, folks) and how you want every American to benefit from a government that actually gives a rat’s turd about them. Be genuine, be sincere, but stop trying to undermine each other. You’re going to need each other later.
Talk about what you want to do for us. That’s what we care about right now.
And so help me God, if these kids go back to giving a crap about Britney, I will hold you both personally responsible.