On Lingo

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A Quick Glossary Of Terms

I’m fully aware of the fact that I’m a guy whose sometimes hard to read. And more often than not, I’m even harder to talk to. Notsomuch because of my general aloof malaise, but because I use some of the most wicked ridiculous slang ever. For those of you just reacquainting yourselves with my writing, I’d like to make it easier understand my jargs. The following is a list of terms I may or may not use in my writing. I currently use most of them in my regular everyday speech, but know they don’t always translate to normal peeps. This is a brief list of the ones I can think of right now. I’ll update this post regularly with ones I remember as they pop out m’ mouth. And, no, I’m not taking credit for all of them. I’m not a complete genius. Just about 97% genius.

Enjoy:

adorkable — a contraction using the words adorable and dorky.

usage: That horrifying duet with Celine Dion and a computer-generated Elvis on Idol last year was completely adorkable. What were they thinking?!

all up in m’ grill — the word grill describes a person’s front, usually meaning face. ‘all up in’ means…well it all pretty much means you getting all up in my face, yo.

usage: Okay, I understand you’re upset because I’m a million times more awesome than you could ever dream to be, but that gives you no excuse to get all up in m’ grill.

and baby Jesus cried — an awkward pause filler to be used after going on a negative tirade.

usage: I got up late this morning, slipped getting out of the shower, found out the hard way that we’re out of toilet paper, forgot my cell phone so couldn’t call anyone when my car got a flat, and I was late for flippin’ work….pause…and baby Jesus cried….

anticipointment — When you’re looking forward to something forev and then when it happens, it kinda makes you feel all empty inside.

usage: I was stoked to see that new Spiderman movie, but after sitting there through a few mere moments of it, I knew right then and there that I was in for a severe anticipointment.

anyhootie — to be used in place of ‘anyhow’

usage: Anyhootie, I was calling because I wondered if you’d go ahead and drink up a warm glass of shut the hell up.

the ballz — the neatest thing ever

usage: Ron Burgundy was the ballz.

the Baysides — something that happens that reminds you of an adorkable “Saved By The Bell” episode

usage: OMG, when you were freaking out because you were on way too many caffeine pills and you started wigging out and singing “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so…scared!”…yeah, right there, I totes got a major case of The Baysides.

blamestorming — when people sit around and think up reasons why everything is everyone else’s fault

usage: Hillary Clinton must have had a massive blamestorming session before she went on TV and wigged out about Obama’s campaign mailers in Ohio. Dang!

Blanky McBlankerson — I don’t actually say ‘Blanky McBlankerson’ but use words to fill in the blanks. Often to describe an obvious trait or action of another person.

usage: Would you look at Bleachy McBlonderson over there? She is buttering up to Bossy McDoucherson in a really obvs way, huh? She’s all up in his grill! Too bad he’s already dating Idiotstick McMentallyHandicapped, huh?

Brills Clinton — short for brilliant

usage: Your idea to shut your mouth was totes Brills Clinton. You should mos def keep that up!

Broseph — my brother’s name was Joseph, hence the blending of bro and Joseph.

usage: You thrashed my chopper, Broseph!

Busboomed — The origin of this word comes from when Dani Busboom was the setter for the Huskers. Girl couldn’t get a single set to the right spot on the court. So now when we play volleyball, whenever someone gets a wonky touch on the ball, it’s referred to as ‘busbooming’ the ball. For the record, Dani is an extraordinary person and athlete, but a setter she was not.

usage: I wouldn’t have called for a 1 if I’d known you were gonna busboom my set that bad. Jeeps, man, were you setting Shaquille O’Neal? Get out of my face right now.

Caucasia — the homeland.

usage: I sure can’t wait to visit Caucasia one day to meet all my Caucasian ancestors.

celebutard — A strange blend of two words if you really think about it. First of all, they’re both waning social groups. Everyone can be a celebrity now thanks to the advent of reality TV, and no one calls naturally mentally handicapped people that one word anymore. Now the word ‘tard is used to describe someone who has the ability to think logically and intelligently, but chooses to live a vapid lifestyle devoid of any real emotion, compassion or clear, rational thought.

usage: I’m sick of all these freaking celebutards like Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole Smith being shown on CNN day in and day out. If either of these ridiculous losers had done anything worth reporting on, I’d understand. But being empty soulless wastelands of drugs, booze, money and semen is nothing of which to be proud.

chickenlicker — my wife and I often make up ridiculous, semi-disturbing pet names for each other. This is one I dreamt up for her one day.

usage: Good morning, you little chickenlicker. ::SLAP::

consties — a more polite and socially acceptable way to exclaim that you have hard poo that gives you cramps and bloating.

usage: Sorry if I make short, frequent trips to the can today, y’all. I’m severely consties and I’m just hoping the cork’ll pop here soon.

craptain — a person in authority who has no business being there.

usage: Donald Rumsfeld was craptain of the military for quite a while. Now he’s not. Rejoice, amen.

crikels — the word crikey with a letter L on the end and pluralized, basically.

usage: Crikels, I’ve got a case of consties for the ages, Broseph. Hollah!

dadditude — a dad acting like a psycho.

usage: Sometimes when I’m in a store and see creepy people looking at my kid, I get a severe case of dadditude and immediately remove my son from the premises. No apologies or explanations will ever be given for this behavior. Deal with it.

d-bag — a Summer’s Eve Hefty Sack

usage: Donald Trump is such a monstrous d-bag. I hope his beautiful new wife gives him a case of the herps.

deal pickle — this is something I only say to my wife because she’s probably the only one who gets it. Her dad used to say to her, “it’s a deal, pickle” and it was a thing…that’s all I know because the first time she said it to me, I looked at her with a befuddlement and wonder unbeknownst to mankind. I probably looked at her like she turned into a unicorn-leprechaun hybrid in front of my very eyes.

usage: It’s a deal, pickle. (If you were paying attention, you’d already know that by now…)

dece — short for decent. This word was brought into my life by none other than the incomparable Emily Ann.

usage: Sorry, I don’t think Mandy Moore is hot. I will say she’s dece though.

Dixie Chick — to lose one’s favor by speaking your mind freely and honestly, without regret.

usage: Listen, I know I’m probably going to Dixie Chick myself by saying this, but I think John McCain is the devil. Oh, and your blouse is as ugly as Barbara Bush’s buttcheeks. Yeah, I went there.

eleventy-seven — the only number that trumps infinity

usage: Listen, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you eleventy-seven times, I do not wish to partake in your discussion on the NASCAR race the other day.

fudge monkeys — a more pleasant F word.

usage: Oh, FUDGE MONKEYS, I forgot my stupid cell phone.

fun-strating — fun and frustrating all at once, and don’t think that’s impossible. It happens.

usage: The first time I played my niece in tennis on the Wii, it was one of the most fun-strating experiences of my life.

gag a maggot — to be reserved for those times when something is so disgusting, mere words cannot describe the sheer horror of the sight.

usage: You know that time right after Rosie O’Donnell came out and she quit her show? She got that gag-a-maggot haircut? Remember? What WAS that?!

ghetto gold — Amy and I started saying this after an eppy of ‘Sex and the City’ when Samantha used it. It means anything brassy or made of a crappy gold.

usage: They have a great house, but what’s with all the ghetto gold fixtures? Looks like Liberace’s ass.

go fig — pretty much the laziest possible way to show ambivalence.

usage: Oh, look, they just traded in their brand new car for something even more showy. And, look, it’s a freakin’ hillbilly parade float (see Hummer). Go fig.

hairlarious — I actually just said this one today. We were driving along and looked over and this chick’s hair was so big it took up almost the whole front seat of her car. No kidding. Amy and I just started laughing uncontrollably. That’s when it slipped out…

usage: OMG, did you see her? That was hairlarious!

heebs — the recognition that something either disgusts or delights a person, typically either raising the hair on said person’s neck or causing them to get the goosies.

usage: I got double heebs the other day when I heard the Star Spangled Banner sung beautifully but during the song looked over and saw a dude with lunchtime shrapnel stuck in his molestor-stache.  

Hilarious Clinton — when something is funny, it’s not quite enough to just say it’s funny. If it’s truly funny, it can be one of the following: Hilarious Clinton, Hilarious Duff or Hilarious Banks. Hilarious Graves only works with people from the homeland.

usage: Did you see the mullet on that chick? I would say it was hairlarious but that word hasn’t been invented by Dave yet, so I’m just gonna say it was Hilarious Clinton as hell!

hungered — a longer and more obnoxious version of the word hungry, as if a longer, more obnoxious version were needed.

usage: I’m so hungered right now I could eat something I don’t like to eat! Yeah, it’s THAT bad!

Jebus Chrysanthemums — figure it out for yourself, folks.

usage: Jebus Chrysanthemums, this Meg Ryan flick is making me want to commit Armageddon!

Kiss me, I’m Caucasian! — I said this to Amy once. It’s incredibly weird.

usage: Kiss me, I’m Caucasian! (pretty much nothing else needed there…)

lactivist — women who take the breastfeeding thing a bit to far.

usage: Man, she’s pissing me off, acting like if you don’t breastfeed him until he’s 18 that he’ll drop out of college and become a methhead. These lactivists need to take it down a notch! Kiss me, I’m Caucasian! (didn’t work, did it?)

licious — a suffix to be added to the end of pretty much ANY word.

usage: Britney Spears is mental-licious!

magical — I don’t EVER use this word and neither should any self-respecting human being. Seriously.

usage: Isn’t it magical how perfect those two are for each other. Look, they’re rubbing their wedding cake in each other’s faces! How magical…::click…click…blam!::

marvsees — a cuter way than hungered to say you’re hungry. It gets it’s meaning from the phrase ‘starvin Marvin’ but shortens it in quite possibly the most genius way known to mankind!

usage: “I’m so marvsees right now, I might actually eat something besides a rock of crack,” said Whitney Houston. “Nope, never mind. It was a doody bubble.”

molestor-stache — any cheesy Tom-Selleck type mustache that brings to mind the photos you see in the paper of the guy arrested with his creepy plaid shirt, bug-eye glasses and of course, the molestor-stache.

usage: Dude, when’d you start sporting such a wicked creepy molestor-stache? Shave, bro. You’re creeping us out.

mooseknuckle — the male version of camel toe.

usage: Um, I’m only saying this because I love you, but you need to change, dude. You’ve got some wicked mooseknuckle going on. Seriously, I think I can see an outline. Yep…time to change…

my ninjas — my peeps

usage: You go on ahead. I’m just gonna stay put and kick it with my ninjas here. You know…keep it real…

nuggetlover — yet another endearing name I dreamed up for my lovely wife.

usage: Love you, Nuggetlover.

obvs — the laziest way possible in which to type ‘obviously’…phew…that was exhausting typing that WHOLE word!

usage: I’m obvs not going to type that whole word again. That was extraordinarily exhausting!

occasz — again, my lazy nature rears it’s beautiful head. I use this word instead of ‘occasionally’ and it totes works.

usage: Question: Do you ever wonder why Ryan Seacrest has become famous at all since he’s absolutely, mind-numbingly, gratingly cloying and horrible? Answer: Occasz, but I don’t sweat it, bro.

old lady ash — this phrase is kind of ageist but it’s something we’ve said since way back when. It describes when a person is too busy doing something else, so a long ash forms on their cigarette and they’re talking away and going on a tangent but no one in the room can concentrate on anything else because that dang ash is just hanging off their cigarette and pretty much everyone is watching to see when it’s gonna fall. And it always does.

usage: Okay, I’m trying to listen to you and all, but I just have to say this with all respect–you have severe old lady ash and I can’t concentrate on the words coming out of your yapper. Wait…why are you smoking in here, doctor? And just where is my spleen? You. Dirty. Weasel. Curses! Foiled again!

presh — once again I prove how very lazy I am. Presh is simply short for ‘precious’.

usage: Look at you, still reading all these ridiculous glossary terms. Aren’t you just presh?

redick — another good one thanks to Emily. She shortened the word ridiculous, a four-syllable honker, into only two syllables, and it’s become fun to say again! Thanks for saving that word for me, Emily, and possibly all of mankind in the process!

usage: This glossary of terms is completely redick.

rock star parking — a great parking spot. when you get this parking spot, you hollah ‘rock star’! This came from my beautiful wife who got me started on saying it.

usage: I got the spot right beside the handicappers! ROCK STAR!

roll like hose — pretty much means ‘let’s go now’

usage: You guys ready to go to Wal-Mart now? Well then…let’s roll like hose.

sass master — a master of the art of sassing back

usage: Well, just listen to you, just being a little sass-master! What do you have to say for yourselves? I can’t hear you! (Answer back: We love you, Miss Hannigan!)

shnikes — an exclamation that means pretty much nothin’

usage: Oh, shnikes, I accidentally stepped on a leprechaun. Now I’m going to have to scrape green blood off my shoes.

shrapnel — when you’re talking and food or spittle flies from your yapper, that’s called shrapnel.

usage:  I was paying close attention to what you were saying, then became entranced by your old lady ash, but then was hit by some saliva shrapnel, and now I’m just not listening at all. Wait, doctor, where’s my liver? You. Dirty. Trickster. I just fell for the oldest trick in the book!

since ‘Nam — I believe the incomparable Carson Watt got me started on saying this. It simply means a long time ago.

usage: I love Peeps, but I haven’t eaten them since ‘Nam.

Smoke-arina Witt — by now I’m sure you’re all familiar with world-renowned figure skater Katarina Witt (pronounced Vitt). Well, one day, way back when, I walked up to someone I love who had a cig in their hand, and called her that.

usage: Whassup, Smoke-arina Witt?

snaggles — when someone is just in one of those moods, they often just have a case of these.

usage: Oh, I’m sorry. I was just going to talk to you like normal people talk to each other. You know…in a nice, even, calm, kind tone. My bad. No. MY bad. I insist. I had no idea you woke up this morning with such a nasty case of the snaggles.

tastic — another suffix to be added to the end of ANY word.

usage: Britney Spears is trash-tastic!

totes — a shortened form of the word ‘totally’.

usage: Do you think Barbara Walters drinks the blood of interns, Dave? Totes.

whatev — a much snarkier way to say ‘whatever’

usage: I never once said anything about Amanda Bynes being the best actress of the 21st century. Whatev!

Whitey Ford sings the blues — I said this once at a track meet because everyone was teasing me about being incredibly pale. I looked up and said, “I know. I’m Whitey Ford sings the blues!” Which is the title of Everlast’s only album! I’m a genius!

usage: I need to get some sun this weekend. I’m Whitey Ford sings the blues! And a genius!

wonky — a better way to describe something kind of off-kilter.

usage: If I met Paris Hilton and had a pen and pad, I wouldn’t ask for an autograph. No, I’d use the pen to stab her in her wonky eye. Then I’d use the pad to dab up the blood from my cuffs.

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