On Politics


An Open Letter To Hillary And Barack

Listen up you two, because I’m not saying it again.

You’re both walking a very fine line with those of us who vividly remember the 2000 presidential election as one of the darkest, most undemocratic days on record. Hillary, try if you may to remember what it felt like when your hubby’s veep lost out on an election because the Supreme Court ruled in favor of George W. Bush.

You may recall Al Gore won the popular vote, albeit by a shred, but Dipstick Magee won the most according to the Electoral College, (my least favorite college of all time). It all came down to Florida, where Bush’s brother was governor, and The Supremes handed Florida over to Dinglenuts before all the votes were even counted.

Think back to what it felt like to watch more than half the country have their votes voided by a group of partisan hacks.

Sucked, didn’t it?

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On Budding Talent


 From The Vault: A Budding Writer Waiting To Bud

This post was originally published in the Wauneta Breeze (aka The Best Small Town Newspaper In The World) on August 22, 2002. I don’t remember writing it, but recently rediscovered it in the stack of old newspapers my sister gave me. I worked for The Breeze from 2000-2002, and still consider it to be one of my fave jobs ev. BTW, this was written approximately four months after Amy and I met and a month before I started coaching volleyball. This sucker actually contains a shout-out to Ben Affleck and Jen Lopez so you know it’s the genuine article from dos-aught-aught-dos. Enjoy.

Some of us were ready to bud before the world was prepared for our beauty.

It was in elementary school that I learned I was a genius.

Given a writing assignment, any required length or topic, I could turn what was once a mundane idea into something that moved people.

Like literary Ex-Lax.

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On Ageless Wisdom


30 Things I Didn’t Really Know For Sure Until I Was 30

My wife turned 30 last week. I turned last April. In pondering our ages, I wonder how much truth there is to the theory of ‘older and wiser’. The following are some truths I know to be self-evident now that I’m 30.

  •  Don’t cook bacon naked.
  • All politicians tend to be crooked and egotistical. There are only varying degrees of obviousness.
  • There is never a perfect time to have a baby. You will never be completely ready. On the other hand, if you’re not ready to jump into parenthood with both feet, do the world a favor: DON’T BREED.
  • Your picture is on God’s fridge. Mine is on the devil’s dartboard.

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On Paternal Protectiveness


Parenting: For The Birds?
One of the tasks of my most recent gig (yes, there have been a few more than I’m proud of) was spending roughly 15 minutes in the morning unlocking campers on the lot. At the end of the day, we’d make our rounds and lock them back up.

Okay, technically, I can’t really say ‘we’ since I was part of a duo and my partner in crime rarely made his rounds. I looked at it as a chance though to get off my duff and get some fresh air. And if you’ve seen this duff lately, you know that a little bit of walking could go a long way.

Check it out sometime. It’s quite spectacular really.

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