On Witch Hunts

From The Vault: Where Martha Stewart Went Wrong

I wrote this original article for the June 27, 2002, edition of The Breeze. While I too am getting sick of schlepping out all my old junk from the vault, this week has not been conducive to sitting and writing. It just hasn’t. Forgive, please. I promise original, awesome stuff here soon. This particular article is kinda special though because it won me a Nebraska Press Association award for column writing (second place still counts, right?). Enjoy, and remember my promise for new stuff soon. Oh, and I can’t believe I got away with the hooker remark toward the end. Yikes! 

Okay, I get it. There are some people who want to burn Martha Stewart at the stake.

If you don’t know the story by now, here’s a wrap-up: Congressional investigators are examining whether Martie (that’s what I call her; she calls me Davy) had inside information when she sold nearly 4000 shares of ImClone stock.

Sure, Martie is the chairwoman of the NSA–the regulatory department for this very kind of illegal activity–and the sale of said stock came but a day before the FDA announced that it decided not to consider ImClone’s application of their experimental drug, intended to combat colorectal cancer.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

You really delude yourself enough to think Martha Stewart–who could fashion a kicky, tasteful sweater jacket out of the hide of a roadkilled skunk–hasn’t already invented her own cure for colorectal cancer?

She has. It’s called Martha’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Prune Bomb Casserole (episode 548).

On Spring

From The Vault: Spring’s Bittersweet Symphony

This column originally appeared in the March 21, 2002, edition of The Breeze. In the original article I incorrectly and idiotically attributed “Bittersweet Symphony” to Third Eye Blind and I heard about it for weeks afterward. I’m taking the liberty of changing that for this here post because it seems insulting that I would attribute an awesome song like that to Stephen Jenkins. It’s practically sacrilegious actually. BTW, Amy asked me the other day about the strange photos on this here blog. Basically, when I have a topic, I hop on Google search and try to find the creepiest photo I can to match the article. This photo seems springy and symphonic. I think it also qualifies as creepy. We all win!

BTW, I updated the random thoughts and lingo posts with new stuff! They’re in blue. They’re the new blue thangs basically. 

Enjoy the article, because it’s hitting you right…about…now…

The next time you see me, I’ll likely have a ridiculous grin on my face, shamefully nappy hair and a thin stream of snot running directly into my mouth.

Nothing new, you say.

Au contrair, Corvair.

It’s Spring. That’s what’s new.

On Randomness

Randomness Ensues

Checked my e-mail the other day and got that sudden rush of overwhelming glee I succumb to when I see a new message in there. Had a comment on the ‘other blog’ and went to check it. I was ‘tagged’ by a friend and thus forced to put 10 random things about myself on my blog. Never one to pass up some good ol’ fashioned peer pressure, I wracked my brain to come up with the 10 most entertaining random things about myself.

It was a good exercise actually. I not only learned some things about myself, but actually ended up finding that those little things that peeve me about good ol’ Dave are actually kind of amusing and endearing.

Maybe I should get to know myself a little better more often.

On Lingo

A Quick Glossary Of Terms

I’m fully aware of the fact that I’m a guy whose sometimes hard to read. And more often than not, I’m even harder to talk to. Notsomuch because of my general aloof malaise, but because I use some of the most wicked ridiculous slang ever. For those of you just reacquainting yourselves with my writing, I’d like to make it easier understand my jargs. The following is a list of terms I may or may not use in my writing. I currently use most of them in my regular everyday speech, but know they don’t always translate to normal peeps. This is a brief list of the ones I can think of right now. I’ll update this post regularly with ones I remember as they pop out m’ mouth. And, no, I’m not taking credit for all of them. I’m not a complete genius. Just about 97% genius.

Enjoy:

On Politics

An Open Letter To Hillary And Barack

Listen up you two, because I’m not saying it again.

You’re both walking a very fine line with those of us who vividly remember the 2000 presidential election as one of the darkest, most undemocratic days on record. Hillary, try if you may to remember what it felt like when your hubby’s veep lost out on an election because the Supreme Court ruled in favor of George W. Bush.

You may recall Al Gore won the popular vote, albeit by a shred, but Dipstick Magee won the most according to the Electoral College, (my least favorite college of all time). It all came down to Florida, where Bush’s brother was governor, and The Supremes handed Florida over to Dinglenuts before all the votes were even counted.

Think back to what it felt like to watch more than half the country have their votes voided by a group of partisan hacks.

Sucked, didn’t it?

On Budding Talent

 From The Vault: A Budding Writer Waiting To Bud

This post was originally published in the Wauneta Breeze (aka The Best Small Town Newspaper In The World) on August 22, 2002. I don’t remember writing it, but recently rediscovered it in the stack of old newspapers my sister gave me. I worked for The Breeze from 2000-2002, and still consider it to be one of my fave jobs ev. BTW, this was written approximately four months after Amy and I met and a month before I started coaching volleyball. This sucker actually contains a shout-out to Ben Affleck and Jen Lopez so you know it’s the genuine article from dos-aught-aught-dos. Enjoy.

Some of us were ready to bud before the world was prepared for our beauty.

It was in elementary school that I learned I was a genius.

Given a writing assignment, any required length or topic, I could turn what was once a mundane idea into something that moved people.

Like literary Ex-Lax.

On Ageless Wisdom

 

30 Things I Didn’t Really Know For Sure Until I Was 30

My wife turned 30 last week. I turned last April. In pondering our ages, I wonder how much truth there is to the theory of ‘older and wiser’. The following are some truths I know to be self-evident now that I’m 30.

•  Don’t cook bacon naked.
• All politicians tend to be crooked and egotistical. There are only varying degrees of obviousness.
• There is never a perfect time to have a baby. You will never be completely ready. On the other hand, if you’re not ready to jump into parenthood with both feet, do the world a favor: DON’T BREED.
• Your picture is on God’s fridge. Mine is on the devil’s dartboard.

On Paternal Protectiveness

 

Parenting: For The Birds?
One of the tasks of my most recent gig (yes, there have been a few more than I’m proud of) was spending roughly 15 minutes in the morning unlocking campers on the lot. At the end of the day, we’d make our rounds and lock them back up.

Okay, technically, I can’t really say ‘we’ since I was part of a duo and my partner in crime rarely made his rounds. I looked at it as a chance though to get off my duff and get some fresh air. And if you’ve seen this duff lately, you know that a little bit of walking could go a long way.

Check it out sometime. It’s quite spectacular really.